What I would do if I couldn't feel fear or doubt...

1. Tell my truth, always
2. Write
3. Travel everywhere
4. Tell my family I'm not a Christian
5. Tell people the real reasons behind the changes I am making in my life
6. Quit working for other people
7. Start my own business
8. Start dating
9. Buy a house
10. Hug more often
11. Express my feelings
12. Be vulnerable
13. Get a dog
14. Say I love you
15. Say I miss you
16. Cry
17. Let myself love someone
18. Dance more
19. Sing out loud
20. Take a creative writing class
21. Forgive
22. Treat myself with respect
23. Experience my emotions fully
24. Always speak out against oppression
25. Take guitar lessons
26. Say no
27. Say yes
28. Ask for what I want
29. Make eye contact
30. Always be myself
31. Ask more questions
32. Listen more, really listen
33. Take pictures of myself
34. Let others take pictures of me
35. Commit

Changes Abound!

Wow.

So in my last post I wrote about how great it was to turn in my resignation at work - even though I was scared because I didn't know what was going to happen as I didn't have another job lined up.

I am learning more and more about how we really do create our lives and how powerful we can be. I am realizing how important it is to be very clear about what we want and how important it is to focus our attention on what we want. How things are manifesting in my life as I make these changes to be more conscious and powerful blow me away!

I got clear. I made a decision. I leapt.

The day I actually, truly decided I wasn't waiting anymore (a Friday) and that I would put in my notice on Monday, I got a call for a job interview in Asheville. The day I turned in my resignation (Monday), I got a call for a job interview in Asheville. The next day (Tuesday) I got a call for a job interview in Asheville. Two days after that (Thursday), I got another call for a job interview in Asheville.

Then I got clearer. I turned down the offer for the interview I got on Monday because it was clear to me the company's philosophies and mine did not match. I went to the interview I got called for on Friday - and the salary range was not within my intention and/or requirements. So, I turned down the offer for the second interview. I wavered some on the job interview offer call I received on Thursday, I set up the interview but I just wasn't excited about the job - the salary was bordering on my intention but not quite there and it was a night shift job (it's taken me soooo many years to get my sleep on track). I finally decided, as scared as I was to turn down another offer, it just wasn't right and I wasn't going to settle for anything not right. I called and canceled the interview.

I was however, totally excited about the interview offer I received on Tuesday. A friend told me about this position and had me call the director directly. The director of the organization offered me an interview right away (I hadn't even applied, nor had she seen my resume!). The job sounded interesting and it met all the requirements in my intention. I started getting more and more excited.

I went to the interview. The director was an awesome woman - I felt instantly comfortable with her! As she described the job in more detail it only became more appealing. She then said they could offer me $2000 more in salary than was listed on the job posting. She said if I could start Nov. 1st instead of Dec. 1st they would give me the 3 days off before Thanksgiving I needed to go to Memphis and present on grief and loss for the Tennessee Counseling Association. My benefits would start in 1 month (instead of most companies 3 months). I had some flexibility in hours so I can do massage school in March. I would get supervision provided for licensure and lots of free continuing education hours that I need.

She officially offered me the job on the spot! I accepted on the spot as well!

I also put a deposit down on the apartment I liked that very day! The next day I went and gave a revised notice to my current job - my last day is Halloween!

I am now busy making plans to move and getting things organized! Life is crazy and miraculous and wonderful!

Jumping and Leaping

I've mentioned before that the phrase, "Leap and the net will appear" is one of my favorite expressions. Well, I took a giant leap today.

I turned in my resignation at work. My last day is November 21st.

I've been wanting to do it, preparing myself to do it, knowing it is the right decision and that the move to Asheville is the right choice for me right now. I'd made up my mind a few times and backed down again and waited. I decided again to do it this morning. I was wavering again - letting the fearful voices and insecurity take over.

Then this morning I opened to this passage in a FABULOUS book called Life is a Verb: 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally" by Patti Digh:

"We need to jump out of our own shadows. But sometimes we hesitate, believing we need more data - we wait until we know enough about how and where and with whom we will land, until it is too late to jump at all. You can't know. Jump anyway (accent mine)...jumping into your own truthfulness...Intuit the place out of the shadows. It's there. Somewhere, deep inside, you even know it."

Reading this was exactly what I needed to help me walk through the fears and doubts and take my letter of resignation to my supervisor. I am still afraid AND it was like everything inside me perked up and said "Oh, this is what we are going to do? Cool. Let's see what we can do!"

Everytime those fearful voices and panicky feelings start to rear up, I throw up a big red STOP sign and re-read my intention a few times:

"I now create wealth."

and

"I now chose to trust and continue to trust my ability to attract and create better things. I now chose to move forward no matter what."

This usually calms down the voices some and strengthens that knowing inside me that is guiding me along on creating this new life for me.

Hot Damn I'm moving to Asheville!!

=D

Creating Life

I feel like I am busier now than I was when I was working 10 PRN crisis shifts a month in addition to my full time job!

I have been very focused on this e-Seminar I am taking right now and on creating the life I want for myself. I spend a good chunk of my time every day practicing the activites and stuff from the e-Seminar - I am making a big commitment to creating the life I want. I am also spending a lot of time writing blog posts and working on my website. I have started to receive emails from people looking for grief support from my website and I love that! I also am creating grief presentations - I did my first presentation last night! I am tweaking that presentation because I'll be presenting it again in November for the state counseling association.

I have been accepted to massage school in Asheville to start on Dec. 1st. I am very excited and I am very nervous. I am going to quit my job effective Nov. 21st and move to Asheville to start school whether or not I have another job lined up. This is part of my trusting that universe and trusting my self and this new process I am learning - trusting that all that I need will manifest in my life at exactly the right time I need it. It's hard for me to just observe all those negative voices in my head talking about scarcity and financial ruin and becoming homeless without getting attached or panicked by them. However, the person that I want to be is trusting and abundant and wealthy and centered - and I am chosing to live AS IF I am the person I want to BE - RIGHT NOW. I am making choices for my life from who I want to BE rather than who I have been. I absolutely believe that the universe will align itself with that.

I have been feeling the shifts in my life - it's getting easier to detach from the negative tape of voices in my head and to stay centered more and more. My vision of my right life is getting clearer and clearer. I love the feeling I get when I sit down and picture that life and imagine it in all it's details and beauty.

Oh! And Happy "Talk Like a Pirate Day!"

Feeling Sad

Last night and still this morning, I have been feeling very sad. I'm not sure why. I find myself ticking through a list in my head:

Nothing new has happened lately...
I'm not upset with anyone or even myself...
No one I love died...
There haven't been any huge changes in my life recently...

And so on. I wonder why it is that I have to always know why I'm feeling something? There could very well be a reason for it, but obsessively trying to figure it out usually just makes me feel worse and drives me crazy.

It occurred to me that I do have a sense that this e-Seminar is going to help shift things quite a bit in my life. And that a lot will change in my life in the next few months - probably quicker and more suddenly than I think. So, perhaps what I'm feeling is a bit of grief for the changes coming - and maybe for the small changes already taking place internally.

Today should be a fairly busy day at work, but after work, I will take a little time to sit and just be still for a while. See what comes up. Then I'll work on my homework assignment for the e-Seminar!

Being kind to myself today...

Clarifying Intentions

I start an e-seminar (Great Big Dreams eSeminar) on Monday. I attended a retreat in June lead by the same facilitator, Christine Kane, that was virtually life-changing - for numerous reasons. I am very excited about the e-seminar because I sense that it will be equally, if not more, life-changing than the retreat. So, in preparation for it, I have been trying to clarify what my intention is for the e-seminar. My intention for the retreat was to come out the other side of healing years of grief. My intentions for this e-seminar have been difficult to pinpoint.

I've written before about feeling as if I am trying do to too much all at once or that I want too much and that this attention splatter has reduced the power of my intentions. This has been the problem I'm running into trying to clarify here. The various intentions that I have sat with to see if they resonate as right for me right now have included:

Creating Wealth & Abundance
Creating a Career I Love
Expand my Creativity
Create more Balance in my Life
Finding a home I love
Beginning to date again

Any of these would be fine. I realized something this morning though. All of these fall under the umbrella of expansion. There are so many ways in which I limit myself every day. There are a thousand different things I tell myself I can't do for a thousand different reasons. I say I can't do this or that because I don't have enough money. I say I can't do this or that because I do this. Big and little things - I impose limits on myself on everything. Even something as simple as learning to play the guitar. I've wanted to learn to play the guitar for years, but I always tell myself that I can't because I am not at all musically talented and I'm tone-deaf and yada yada yada. Who cares if I completely suck at it? I can learn and be horrible at it AND love it anyway.

I am tired of always limiting myself and what I can do.

The number of possibilities and opportunities in life is unlimited. The universe is always expanding and stretching beyond society's imposed limits. I want to expand and stretch beyond my own self-imposed limits. I want to stop hiding behind fear and comfort and fly out into expansion and unlimited possibility. I want to be everything I imagine being and then be more.

So, my intention for this e-seminar and what I will put my attention on for the next 7-weeks (to start) is expansion. I intent to expand and experience unlimited possibility.

Yep, that resonates with me.

Our Greatest Fear

I keep coming across this quote by Marianne Williamson lately - 4 times in 4 different places in less than a week. Something about it speaks to me - I especially like the line at the end about being liberated from our fear.

"It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us,
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others. "
~Marianne Williamson

I came across another quote this morning that spoke to me on some level. It's kinda of fun so I thought I'd share it.

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of the rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify them, or vilify them. But the only things you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
~Apple