Sitting with Uncertainty

One of my biggest challenges in learning this new way of living and shifting my mindset to abundance, trust, and expansion has been learning to sit with not-knowing.

I like plans. I like having goals to strive for to lay out that plan. I like having answers. I like knowing how I will do things. I like knowing how things will happen. These things are comfortable for me. They feel safe (and feeling safe and secure is a big thing for me).

However, the problem with trying to always stay in knowing is that life will continually kick you out and dump you into not-knowing and uncertainty at any time without notice. For me, the initial panic and stress of having my plans and certainty ripped away can be paralyzing. I freak out, usually make myself physically sick from the stress, scramble around trying to grasp onto anything stable, and drive the people in my life crazy.

I don't think it's worth it.

I've been learning the concepts of being comfortable with uncertainy, having intentions without frantically trying to figure out how to make them happen, and trusting myself and the universe to guide my path rather than a structured 5- year plan. These are all way to hell out of my comfort zone. Intellectually I understand that nothing in life is really certain and no plans are really a sure thing, and answers can be very overrated. Practicing that knowledge is much more difficult.

Recently, with the direction I am taking my life and the intentions I have created for myself, I have been spending more time in uncertainty and not-knowing. I know I want to move to Asheville - but I don't know how that will happen. I know I've interviewed for a job in Asheville - I'm waiting to hear how it went and if they will offer it to me. I know what I would like to do for my career - I haven't a clue how I will create that career. I know I am working to change my mind-set from one of scarcity to one of abundance - don't really know how to do it, just trying stuff out. I know I want to continue taking the Sunrider herbs that have changed my life in terms of physical and emotional health - I don't really know how I am going to pay for them each month (or how I have been, really).

Uncertainty and not-knowing scare me. I have stuggled greatly in the last couple months with allowing myself to stay in not-knowing instead of scrambling to figure out all the "hows" of these intentions. Some days I am better at this than others. Often those who have begun this process before me and have more practice have helped me continue dispite the fears. I have on occasion slipped back into the panic and freak-out mode and had wise mentors who encouraged me to breathe and trust myself and the process.

This post seems rather disjointed and choppy to me. I don't know that I really even know exactly what I am trying to say. Basically, I am learning how to trust myself and trust the universe to create the life that I want and is right for me. I am struggling with learning this trust but I am doing my best to practice "tweaking" my process instead of getting frustrated and giving up. Getting frustrated is okay - I can live with that. I just don't want to give up anymore. I've given up on myself too many times - I am determined to continue this journey until the end of this physical life.

Tweak and continue. I can do that.